Terminally Unique Versus Uniquely Terminal

Bear with me, this is a free form thought process. I keep seeing a pattern that enrages me, so I'm trying to point the finger inward.

In quitting hard drugs in my youth, the people who I THOUGHT helped me the most were those left with little choice but to butt their heads against the walls of my ego and defenses in an attempt to get through. All those constructs I had built (many of which remain) were toxic processes of separation. I operated on the level that I needed nothing from humanity and it needed nothing from me.

For every valid argument on why joining the human race in some level of usefulness was necessary if I was to survive, I had my own opposing view, 'Yeah, but it's different for me, because....'. Terminal Uniqueness to the detriment of my own life, soul and mental health. In that capacity, in that fucked up frame of thinking, getting hammered over and over again with the opposite message was necessary and it saved my life. You ain't Unique

My bouts of sniveling self-pity generally had (have) no bearing on humility. It's more a passive aggressive ego driven temper tantrum bemoaning that which IS, as NOT what SHOULD be. These professional 'people savers' knew that. Their job was to retool that ego driven separation into something a tad bit more down to earth and real. And they did a good job. And got paid for it – both in cash and self gratification.

But I don't think I walked away from that experience regarding those people as friends. Teachers at the right place and at the right time, sure...but friends??? Fuck no.

In the opposite context, I ask myself...Do I send my daughter off to school every day saying 'Have a great day sweetie. I love you. Remember, you are nothing special.'? Of course not.

Everyone we care about, to some degree or another, operates with a personality blinder of one type or another:
The girlfriend who thinks she's fat.
The guy friend who fears asking out the lady he has a crush on based on not feeling good enough.
The friend who drinks over much.
The sister who could stand to lower her voice a bit if she wants her kids to hear her more.

I've tested the mettle of several people close to me with alarming behavior, self destruction and what likely seems like unending sadness. And that's just in the last six months.

Everyone. All of us. We are a fabric of blinders, faux pas, and alien perceptions.

I think it's pretty natural to want something better, more or wonderful for those we love, especially when they are hurting. Sometimes, its frustrating enough to want to jump up and down waving your arms screaming, 'Why can't you see this?!?!?!'

I don't think it translates well into becoming the self-appointed task master. The concept itself is ego driven, the actions themselves are ones of separation. I'm real sensitive to it now. Maybe because of being guilty of doing it myself and also being on the receiving end when it wasn't fucking asked for.

Ah, the guiding hands of those that 'know better'. To demand change without changing ones own perceptions, to guilt out trust instead of handing it over freely. I cringe at the horrifying examples of how I have done this to others. I cringe when I see it in the most obvious and un-elegant of offhand action.

The greatest gifts my friends and loved ones have given me IS encouragement, love and acceptance when I am at my MOST unacceptable. They could have given two shits about teaching a lesson, passing on a wise gem or making sure not to 'pad my ass' (I've come to hate that expression)

Instead, they say things like:

“I don't see the scars, never have.”
“I don't give a shit if you hack up babies for a living, you are my sister and I love you.”
“You're my best friend, Mom. It'll always be that way.”
“There is nothing wrong with you.”
“You rock!”
“They ain't got a color for you in the Crayola box.”

It doesn't get more blessed than that. Those angels in action who see, don't care about the blinders and stand firmly entrenched as scaffolding at the weakest points. Whatever they see, they find unique and special enough to praise. Often it may not be what I see, but their ACTIONS say I should believe them. So I do. The more I believe, the better I become and hopefully give back.

I wonder then if they are the more valid teachers than those who purported to save me? Most certainly more valid than the task master 'friends'. It's been interesting in this stage of development to shuck this wheat and see what lands on that which truly matters:

May they know they are loved. May they grow and flower on their own clock and may I be blessed enough to be there for the dark times and the light. What I think I know is likely bullshit and should be regarded as such when 'handing out' advise. (I need to have that last sentence tattoo'd on my ass)

Terminal Uniqueness can destroy a person on the inside; it's likely the worst wall I'll ever have to climb and it will remain a struggle till I croak.

Uniquely Terminal, however, I believe I can embrace that. In myself and, most especially, in others.

(p.s. where the FUCK is the schwa on a Norse keyboard?)

Side note: I'm still suffering from HORRIBLE dog with drawl. I'm a terrible cat owner. In an effort to quell this problem, the cat 'becomes' a different pet every day. Today is he is ferret. Yesterday, he was a Panda. He doesn't seem to mind.